Waiter Jokes


1. Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Ssh, don't speak so loud. The other guests will want one too!
2. Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Don't worry sir, he's so small that he won't drink very much of it!!
3. Waiter, waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup!
Yes sir, he's doing the crawl. Please encourage him by giving him a cheer or two!!
4. Waiter, waiter, your thumb is in my soup!
Don't worry, sir! The soup isn't very hot.
5. Waiter, waiter, there are some tiny flies in my wine!
Don't worry, sir! They may look tiny but they're over the legal drinking age for flies.
6. Waiter, waiter, there's a dead fly in my wine!
What's wrong, sir? You told me that you liked wine with a little body in it!
7. Waiter, waiter, there's a dead fly in my wine!
Oh no! I warned him not to drink and swim. If he had kept to soup he might have been a medal-winner in the next fly Olympics.
8. Waiter, waiter, there is a spider in my wine!
That's right sir! We've employed him to catch the flies.
9. Waiter, waiter, there's no soup on the menu today!
That's right sir! I wiped all the menus yesterday as part of our annual pre-Christmas clean-up. It's really encouraging to know that our customers notice these little details.
10. Waiter, waiter, there's a cockroach in my soup!
That's right sir! He's volunteered to take over while the fly visits his mother over Christmas. If you look carefully, you can see that he's wearing a little red hat and has a white beard.
11. Waiter, waiter, I want to complain to the chef.
I'm afraid his dinner break has just started. He'll be at the restaurant next door as usual.
12. Why do waiters prefer elephants to flies?
Have you ever heard anyone complaining of an elephant in their soup?

Two flies

Two flies were playing football in a saucer. One said to the other - we're playing in the cup next week!

Centipede Jokes


What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot? A walkie talkie!
What do you get if you cross a centipede and a chicken? Enough drumsticks to feed an army!
Why was the centipede dropped from the insect football team? He took too long to put his boots on!
What is worse than an alligator with toothache? A centipede with athlete's foot!
What has 50 legs but cant walk? Half a centipede!
What goes 99-clonk, 99-clonk, 99-clonk? A centipede with a wooden leg!
Why was the centipede late? Because he was playing 'This Little Piggy' with his kids!
What did the sexist male centipede say to his friend when he saw the female centipede pass? There's a nice pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs ....

There are two kinds type jokes

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who think there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don’t. (Plus some others who aren't sure.)
There are three kinds of people in the world: Those who can count and those who can’t.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those who understand binary and those who don’t.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who can extract from incomplete data.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who are nice to other people, and go away, I hate you.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who are on my side or those who are in my way.
There are basically two kinds of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded. (Mark Twain)
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes, and those who do not. (Robert Benchley).There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who like to repeat themselves and those who like to repeat themselves.
There are two kinds of people in the world: those with good memories and ... what was the other thing?
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who write without typos and those who wrot wit ptyos

Milton Jones Jokes

If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!

One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother’s face through the oven window. As we played hide and seek and she said: ‘you’re getting warmer’.

Hopefully, I’ve got a book coming out soon. Shouldn’t have eaten it, really.

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we’ve started to call her ‘I can’t believe she’s not better’.

I hate sitting in traffic - because I always get run over.

My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open. Which is probably why his submarine sank.

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it really.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.”

Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not …

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.

About a month before my grandfather died, we covered his back with lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.

My other grandfather was a peeping tom. He used to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the flat below. He died recently, but I like thinking about him up there somewhere, looking down on us.

Recently. I had bird flu. But it’s all relative isn’t it? If I had rabies and you offered me bird flu, I’d bite your hand off!

I’m very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet: ‘How to Have Absolutely Nothing to Do with Your Neighbours’. Unfortunately, I was out when it was delivered.

When I was in America, I really got into the culture. I went into the shop and the guy said ‘Have a nice day’ and I didn’t. So I sued him.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying: ‘I don’t want to bore you with the details’.

After that I worked in a pathology lab, and I was asked to leave after one of my reports said ’cause of death: autopsy’.

The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.

I don’t trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say ‘press’, but if you press those badges they just fall over all surprised.

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do; he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment. Probably turning in his grave.

If you’re depressed and called Morgan, spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs? I don’t think so … retired mermaids.

Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.

One of my heroes growing up was George Best. No no – I liked Zippy the best.

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I’d come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone!

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education, because they were both druids.

“I can’t even count to ten in French: un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept… Aarrgghh! Sorry, I’ve got a huit allergy.”

To the man on crutches dressed in camouflage who stole my wallet: you can hide but you can’t run.

We live in an uncaring society. I was in the park the other day watching an old man feed the birds, and after a while I thought to myself: ‘I wonder how long he’s been dead?'

When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!

I’ve just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

Recently I’ve been attending meetings of Eavesdroppers Anonymous – not that they know!

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

I was walking along the other day and on the pavement I saw a white baby ghost; however, come to think of it, it may have been a tissue.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number. She looked great going down the stairs.

Overall, I’d say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.

I recently bought the box set of Doctor Who and watched it back to back. Unfortunately, I wasn’t the one facing the TV!

A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!

I love face-painting. It’s a lot of fun. Although you do need the person’s permission.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my granddad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

The school had a big problem with drugs … especially Class A.

Tommy Cooper Jokes



I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘Is it common?’ “It’s not unusual.”

Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” How’s that?” Don’t you start.”

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.”

A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”

Heard the one about two aerials meeting on a roof, falling in love, and getting married? The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant

My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails but I cured her. I hid her teeth.

You can lead a horse to water but teach him to lie on his back and float and you’ve got something.

I sleep like a baby. Every morning I wake up screaming around 2 o’clock.

They always say start at the bottom if you want to learn something. But suppose you want to learn to swim?

My uncle was a great conductor. He was struck by lightning.

Last week, I went to a seafood disco. And pulled a muscle.

I went to the corner store. And bought 4 corners.

I said to the waiter: “This chicken soup contains no chicken.” He said: “And there’s no horse in the horseradish either.”

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

Last night I dreamed I had eaten a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Yesterday, someone even complimented my driving. They left a little note on the windshield, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

An answering machine message says, “If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.”

My wife and I were married in a toilet. It was a marriage of convenience!

Two kids were arrested yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says, “Does this taste funny to you?”

One liners 04

I'm on a whiskey diet … I've lost three days already. (Tommy Cooper)

What Iran needs now is a more modern leader—a mullah lite. (Shappi Khorsandi)

They hired a three-piece band that was so lousy, every time the waiter dropped a tray, we all got up and danced! (Les Dawson)

I have an L-shaped sofa… Lowercase. (Demetri Martin)

Crime in multi-storey car parks is wrong - on so many different levels." (Tim Vine)

My wife - it's difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore. (Milton Jones)

In Scotland the forbidden fruit is fruit. (Gary Delaney)

"Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat." (Joe Lycett)

My wife's left me jokes

My friend's wife left him last week. She said she was going out for milk and never came back. I asked him how he was coping. He said, "Not bad, I've been using some of that powdered stuff."

My wife's left me because I'm useless at maths. I had expected it. I'd put three and two together.
My wife's left me because I'm always acting like a TV host. Will she really leave though? Find out, after the break
My wife's left me because of my obsession with smashing things up. It's left me in pieces...
My wife's left me because of my love of Coca Cola, I don't care, this time it's the real thing.
My wife's left me because I'm of my lack of vocabulary. I was lost for words.
My wife's left me, blaming my weird obsession with Graffiti. The writing was on the wall
My wife's left me because, apparently, I relate everything to cricket. I've really been hit for six.
My wife's left me because I'm obsessed with astronomy. What planet is she on?
My wife's left me because I'm 

My wife left a note on the fridge. It said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to my mother’s.” I opened the fridge door, the light came on and the beer was cold. What is she talking about?

Growing Pains

A young boy was lying in bed one night when he felt a pain in his leg. He tried to sleep but unable to he decided to go to his parents room. He explained the problem to his parents and so his dad told him that it was probably growing pains. This put the boy's mind at rest and he went back to bed. After laying there for a while, however, he began to think about it. The pain is only in the one leg!

Damaged luggage

I showed my badly damaged luggage to a lawyer and told him “I want to sue the airline because of their negligence.”
He said to me “You don’t have much of a case.”