“I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.”
“I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'”
“I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.'”
“I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”
“I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.”
“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”