10 Cracker Jokes

1. What do you call a boomerang that does not come back? A stick.
2. Why was the turkey in the pop group? He was the only one who had drumsticks
3. What happened to Santa when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker
4. What do Santa's little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet
5. Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party? He had no body to go with
6. What do frogs wear on their feet? Open toad sandals.
7. How is Jay Zee like an elf? He spends all his time (w)rapping
8. Who is Rudolph’s favourite pop star? Beyon-sleigh!
9. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy.
10. What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps

Some Penguin Jokes

Q. What's black and white and has eight wheels ?
A. A penguin on skates

Q. What's a penguin's favourite dessert ?
A. Baked Alaska

Q. What do penguins wear on their heads ?
A. Ice-caps

Q. How does a penguin build its house ?
A. Igloos it together

Q. What does a penguin wear on rainy days ?
A. His mackerel

Q. Why are penguins such good racing drivers ?
A. Because they are always in pole position.

Q. Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks ?
A. Because they haven't got any pockets.

Q. How do penguins drink ?
A. Out of beakers.

Q. Why are igloos round ?
A. So that penguins can't hide in the corners.

Q. Why are penguin's shops so busy ?
A. Because the fish fillet.

Q. What do penguins sing to each other on their birthdays ?
A. Freeze a jolly good fellow.

Q. What do you call fifty penguins in Leicester Square ?
(Time Square)
A. Lost.

Q. How do a group of penguins make a decision ?
A. Flipper coin.

Q. How do you make one fish keep a secret from another ?
A. Make them promise not to tell a sole.

Q. What do you call a penguin policeman ?
A. The old bill.

Q. What did the sea say to the shore ?
A. Nothing, it just waved.

Q. What do you call a penguin that steals baby octopuses ?
A. A squidnapper.

Q. What is a penguin's favourite party game ?
A. Sardines.

Q. Where do you find out the weight of a whale ?
A. At the whale-weigh station.

Q. What do penguin nuclear scientists eat ?
A. Fission Chips

Q. Where do penguins go to dance ?
A. At the snow ball.

Q. What has three wheels and travels along the bottom of the ocean ?
A. A motor-pike and side-carp.

Q. Why are fish so clever ?
A. Because they spend so much time in schools.

Q. How do you stop a Polar Bear from charging ?
A. You take away its credit card.

Q. What is brown, has a hump and lives at the South Pole ?
A. A very lost camel

Q. What do you call a fish on a frozen lake
A. Ice-Skate.

Q. What shoes do Penguin's wear on the ice ?
A. Slippers.

Q. Who is a Penguin's favourite aunt ?
A. Aunt-Arctica.

Q. How does a Penguin know when there's something wrong ?
A. It smells a bit fishy.

Q. What is a Penguin's favourite salad ?
A. Iceberg lettuce.

Q. How does a Penguin get to school ?
A. On an icicle.

Q. Why don't Polar Bears eat Penguins ?
A. They can't get the wrappers off.

Q. How do you communicate with a fish ?
A. You drop him a line.

Q. What do you call a snowman with a suntan ?
A. A puddle.

Q. What do you call a fish without an eye ?
A. Fsh.

Q. What does Cinderella seal wear ?
A. Glass flippers.

Some topical Christmas jokes 2020

1. What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas

2. Did you hear that production was down at Santa's workshop? Many of his workers have had to Elf isolate

3. Why did Mary and Joseph travel to Bethlehem by donkey ? All Virgin flights were cancelled

4. Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity

5. Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the "Arrrr!" rate had risen

6. Why is it best to think of 2020 as like a panto? Because eventually, it's behind you. (Oh yes it is, oh no it isn't)

7. Why couldn't Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn

8. Why can't Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn't know how many tiers it should have

9. What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread

10. Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone

11. How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly? Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail

12. Why won't Santa lose any presents this year? He's downloaded Sack and Trace

13. How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas? It'll take ages to flatten the curve

14. How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year? Fine. No sweat

15. Why wasn't Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials? Because they only wanted guinea pigs

16. Which government scheme supports Christmas dinner? Eat Sprout To Help Out

17. How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year's staff Christmas party? Put him on mute 18. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited? He keeps a logbook

19. Who dresses in red and gives to the children this Christmas? Marcus Rashford

20. Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem? Because they couldn't book a home delivery

(These jokes were compiled by TV Channel Gold)