Jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe 2025

Olaf Falafel: We named our children War and Peace – it’s a long story.

Andrew Doherty: At my lowest, I was kicked out of the museum for being inappropriate with Michelangelo’s David. I’d hit rock bottom.

Bella Hull: I just got a personal trainer. She’s horrible to me but my body goal is a thicker skin.

Rob Auton: Everyone is worried about AI. I’m more concerned with what the other vowels are up to.

Ian Smith: People who say bath bombs are relaxing have clearly never tried to carry one home in the rain.

Amelia Hamilton: I love getting Latin chat-up lines. I carpe every DM.

Sikisa: This spider has been in my house so long, it should pay half the wifi. As a web developer, it can afford to.

Chris Grace: I went on a date with a matador but there were too many red flags.

Candace Bryan: America is like my ex-boyfriend. Our relationship was toxic, when I left everyone called me brave, and now every morning I pull up social media to see how ugly he’s getting.

Rajiv Karia: I’m not nostalgic but I used to be. Those were the days.

Edinburgh Fringe Gags 2024

1. I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship – but I bottled it. – Mark Simmons (see elsewhere in this site)

2. I’ve been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don’t feel like I’m progressing. It’s just one step forward… two steps back. – Alec Snook

3. Ate horse at a restaurant once – wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful. – Alex Kitson

4. I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it. – Arthur Smith

5. I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it. – Mark Simmons

6. My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes. – Olaf Falafel

7. British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons? – Chelsea Birkby

8. I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I’ve cracked it. – Masai Graham

9. My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had. – Zoë Coombs Marr

10. The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati. – Olaf Falafel

11. I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’. – Sarah Keyworth

12. I’ve got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I’d never bought her that vineyard. – Roger Swift

13. Gay people are very bad at maths. We don’t naturally multiply. – Lou Wall

14. Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher. – Sophie Duker

15. Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects one per cent of people. – Olga Koch

Edinburgh Fringe Gags 2017-2023

2023 Lorna Rose Treen ‘I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah.’

2022 Masai Graham ‘I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta.’

...

2019 Olaf Falafel “I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have florets”

2018 Adam Rowe “Working at the JobCentre has to be a tense job – knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.”

2017 Ken Cheng “I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.”

Edinburgh Fringe Gags 2009-2016

2016 Masai Graham ‘My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.’

2015 Darren Walsh "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free."

2014 Tim Vine ‘I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.’

2013 Rob Auton ‘I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.’

2012 Stewart Francis ‘You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.’

2011 Nick Helm ‘I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.’

2010 Tim Vine ‘I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.’

2009 Dan Antopolski ‘Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?’

Mark Simmons Ship in a Bottle

I liked this from the Edinburgh Fringe - “I was going to sail around the globe in the world's smallest ship but I bottled it.”

Alexei Sayle Rhetorical Questions

Chris Boland (www.chrisboland.com), CC BY-SA 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0>,
via Wikimedia Commons

I liked this from the Edinburgh Fringe 2017 - “I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?” Alexei Sayle