NO - TIE JOKES NOT THAI JOKES!
A man goes into a restaurant, his shirt open at the collar, but is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he can't get in without a necktie.
So he goes out to his car and looks about for a tie or something similar but there is nothing. Then he remembers that he has a set of jump leads in the boot. So he swings these round his neck and heads back to the restaurant.
The bouncer looks at him carefully for a few minutes not sure what to think. Then he says to him, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
(A shorter version of this joke appears elsewhere on the blog)
A man is crawling through the desert when he is approached by a man on a camel. As the rider approaches, the crawling man whispers through his parched lips, "Water ... please ... can you give me ... water ..."
"I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
"A necktie?" croaks the man. "I need water!"
"They're only four quid each."
"I need water."
"Okay, okay, two for seven quid."
"Please! I just need water!" the man exclaims.
"I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, and heads off into the distance.
The man continues crawling through the desert for another long day and then finally, nearly dead, he sees a restaurant in the distance Summoning up his last bit of strength, he staggers to the door and confronts the head waiter.
"Water ... can I get ... water," the dying man pleads.
"I'm sorry, sir. Our dress code requires a tie" replies the waiter.
Q. What did the necktie say to the hat?
A. You go on ahead, I'll just hang around.
Man gets a new tie for his birthday, but after a few days takes it back to the shop. The assistant asks him what's wrong with it and the man replies. "The one end is longer than the other".
Another man also gets a new tie for his birthday, but after a few days he too takes it back to the shop. The assistant asks him what's wrong with it and the man replies. "It's too tight".
A brummie goes for a job interview wearing a polyester shirt, bright flares and platform boots. The interviewer says to him sarcastically: "All you need now is a kipper tie."
The brummie replies: "That would be luvloy, two sugars ployse."
One Christmas a man gets two ties from his mother-in-law; one red, one blue. He wasn't much of a one for ties, especially at home, but as the mother-in-law was over and she had gone to the trouble of buying him two ties, he thought he'd put the red one on. He came downstairs looking very smart and quite pleased with himself. His mother-in-law was already downstairs and she saw him as he walked in wearing the red tie she had bought him. Her first words were "What's wrong with the blue one?".
A man walks into a bar wearing a tie kept in place by an old fashioned silver clip holding it on place. The barman says "We don't like your tiepin here".
A dictator complained fiercely about the neckwear he had been given. What a tie rant.
Did you see the race between the two silk worms? It ended in a tie.