One liners 04

I'm on a whiskey diet … I've lost three days already. (Tommy Cooper)

What Iran needs now is a more modern leader - a mullah lite. (Shappi Khorsandi)

They hired a three-piece band that was so lousy, every time the waiter dropped a tray, we all got up and danced! (Les Dawson)

I have an L-shaped sofa… Lowercase. (Demetri Martin)

Crime in multi-storey car parks is wrong - on so many different levels. (Tim Vine)

My wife - it's difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore. (Milton Jones)

In Scotland the forbidden fruit is fruit. (Gary Delaney)

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat. (Joe Lycett)

Some Tim Vine Jokes

“I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.”

“I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'”

“I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.'” 

“I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”

“I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.”

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”