Not averse

"I'm not averse to a hymn on a Sunday evening" said the old lady (whose name was Grace and was known to many as Amazing Grace).

Riddles and wordplay

When is a door not a door? When it is ajar.

What can run all day without getting hot? A cold water tap.

A man is six feet tall, he's an assistant at the local deli and wears size nine shoes. What does he weigh? Meat.

What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short

What type of cheese is made backwards? Edam

What question can you never answer “Yes” to? What does “N-O” spell?

What two things can you never eat for breakfast? Lunch and dinner.

What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.

What word is spelled incorrectly in every single dictionary? Incorrectly.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

More puns

I know a devoted couple who are going to Split.

A new TV series is a gory drama about a troubled airline. They've already shot the pilot.

I was shocked to find how bad an electrician he was.

I like everything about Switzerland. The flag is a big plus for starters.

Kettle cleaning, etc

I really need to clean the limescale from my kettle but I keep deferring it. (Mentioned before)

Why was the goalkeeper called Cinderella? He kept missing the ball.

A big thank you to the person who explained the word "many" to me. It means a lot.

I started wearing a neck brace years ago. Since then I've never looked back.

I used to own a really fierce tiger, he said offhandedly.

Some pun type jokes - have pun!

1. I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite remarkable.
2. Doctor: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards.” Patient: “And ...?”
3. I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen … I can feel it.
4. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
5. Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!
6. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
7. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
8. I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… it was just collecting dust.
9. A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
10. For Halloween we dressed up as almonds. Everyone thought we were nuts.
11. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
12. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
13. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
14. I had a job tying sausages together, but I couldn’t make ends meet.

Jokes about Thyme

Yesterday I spent an hour or two rearranging my spice rack in the kitchen.

How do you find the time (thyme)?

It's between the tarragon and the turmeric.

I relabelled all the jars in my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin …

"Oh no!" said the pessimistic cook, "we're running out of thyme".

What is the number 1 rule in the spice trade?

Thyme is money.

Thyme is the herb with the best medicinal quality ... it heals all wounds.

Scientists have developed a new fuel that is made of garden herbs which they are going to use in buses. They are saying the buses will now run on thyme.

Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?

He was making up for lost thyme.

Why did you not add herbs to the dish?

I thought of doing it but I didn't have thyme.

Someone took plants from my herb garden. I will kill them.
They are living on borrowed thyme.

It is my full thyme job to look after a herb garden

Which herb is worst at keeping secrets?
We don't know but thyme will tell.

What was in Charles Dickens' herb garden?
The best of thymes and the worst of thymes

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old to use. It all had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme

My friend told me if I season my water it will boil faster. She lied and it was a waste of thyme.

Brake fluid

Did you hear about the mechanic who got a taste for break fluid? He was fixing a car one day when some accidentally go into his mouth. He liked the taste and so started drinking it regularly. When his friends realised what he was doing they were understandably concerned about him. They decided they need to speak to him. “Hey man” they said “this can’t be good for you. But he replied “Don’t worry. I can STOP any time I want.”

Kidnap

There was a kidnapping at the school ... it wa sall right, though. He soon woke up when the teacher came in.

All right now

There was a man who had a terrible accident and lost the whole of his left side head to foot. Don't worry, though, he's all right now.

Electric Kettle Pun

I've been meaning to descale my electric kettle for weeks now but I keep deferring it.