Yet More Malapropisms

1. “decapitated coffee.”
2. “he takes me for granite.”
3. “prostrate cancer”
4. “chickenpops”
5. "Does the printshop do lemonading?"
6. "Avoid him, he smokes marinara"
7. "Shoplifters will be prostituted"
8. "When I hugged him, I could smell his colon"
9.  "Card only, no cashback' sorry for the incontinence"
10. "The project was on euthanasia not youth in Asia!!" (technically a monde green we may come to those)

More Malapropisms

1.  'Going off on a tandem' 
2.  'The world is your lobster, my son' Arthur Daley. 
3.  'I'm as happy as a sandbag'
4.  'A bit of a damp squid'
5. 'He eludes confidence' 
6. 'It's not rocket fuel'
7. 'If I don't want to serve someone, that is my provocative'
8.  'Chocolate peripherals'
9. 'Cordelia is a paragon of goodness and finial loyalty'
10. T'he officers surrounded the square in a great show of consubstantial force'

Original Malapropisms

Here are some of the original malapropisms from Mrs. Malaprop who appears in Richard B Sheridan's play The Rivals (1775).

1. "...promise to forget this fellow - to illiterate him, I say, quite from your memory." [obliterate]
2. "O, he will dissolve my mystery!" [resolve]
3. "He is the very pine-apple of politeness!" [pinnacle]
4. "I have since laid Sir Anthony's preposition before her;" [proposition]
5. "Oh! it gives me the hydrostatics to such a degree."[hysterics]
6. "I hope you will represent her to the captain as an object not altogether illegible." [ineligible]
7. "...she might reprehend the true meaning of what she is saying." [comprehend]
8. "...she's as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of Nile." [alligator]
9. "I am sorry to say, Sir Anthony, that my affluence over my niece is very small." [influence]
10. "Why, murder's the matter! slaughter's the matter! killing's the matter! - but he can tell you the perpendiculars." [particulars]
11. "Nay, no delusions to the past - Lydia is convinced;" [allusions]
12. "...behold, this very day, I have interceded another letter from the fellow;" [intercepted]
13. "I thought she had persisted from corresponding with him;" [desisted]
14. "His physiognomy so grammatical!" [phraseology]
15. "I am sure I have done everything in my power since I exploded the affair;" [exposed]
16. "I am sorry to say, she seems resolved to decline every particle that I enjoin her." [article]
17. "...if ever you betray what you are entrusted with... you forfeit my malevolence for ever..." [benevolence]
18. "Your being Sir Anthony's son, captain, would itself be a sufficient accommodation;" [recommendation]
19. "Sure, if I reprehend any thing in this world it is the use of my oracular tongue, and a nice derangement of epitaphs!" [apprehend, vernacular, arrangement, epithets]

More Spoonerisms

1. go and shake a tower go and take a shower
2. tease my ears ease my tears
3. nicking your pose picking your nose
4. you have very mad banners you have very bad manners
5. lack of pies pack of lies
6. it's roaring with pain it's pouring with rain
7. pit nicking nit picking
8. bowel feast foul beast
9. I'm a damp stealer I'm a stamp dealer
10. hypodeemic nurdle hypodermic needle
11. wave the sails save the whales
12. chipping the flannel on TV flipping the channel on TV
13. mad bunny bad money
14. I'm shout of the hour I'm out of the shower
15. lead of spite speed of light
16. I hit my bunny phone I hit my funny bone
17. flutter by butterfly
18. bedding wells wedding bells
19. I must mend the sail I must send the mail
20. it crawls through the fax it falls through the cracks
21. bat flattery flat battery
22. would you like a nasal hut? would you like a hazel nut?
23. belly jeans jelly beans
24. fight in your race right in your face
25. ready as a stock steady as a rock
26. hiss and leer listen here
27. soul of ballad bowl of salad

Genuine Spoonerisms

The Rev William A Spooner was an academic who often got his words mixed up. These are said to be genuine Spoonerisms.

1. fighting a liar lighting a fire
2. you hissed my mystery lecture you missed my history lecture
3. cattle ships and bruisers battle ships and cruisers
4. nosey little cook cosy little nook
5. a blushing crow a crushing blow
6. tons of soil sons of toil
7. our queer old Dean our dear old Queen
8. we'll have the hags flung out we'll have the flags hung out
9. you've tasted two worms you've wasted two terms
10. our shoving leopard our loving shepherd
11. a half-warmed fish a half-formed wish
12. is the bean dizzy? is the Dean busy?

Riddles and wordplay

When is a door not a door? When it is ajar.

What can run all day without getting hot? A cold water tap.

A man is six feet tall, he's an assistant at the local deli and wears size nine shoes. What does he weigh? Meat.

What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short

What type of cheese is made backwards? Edam

What question can you never answer “Yes” to? What does “N-O” spell?

What two things can you never eat for breakfast? Lunch and dinner.

What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.

What word is spelled incorrectly in every single dictionary? Incorrectly.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.