10 More Cracker Jokes

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1. What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut? – A barber-queue
2. What has four legs but can’t walk? – A table
3. What lies at the bottom of the sea shivering? – A nervous wreck
4. What athlete is warmest in winter? – A long jumper
5. Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? – Because they were two deer
6. What’s the most popular Christmas wine? – I don’t like sprouts
7. Why did the orange take a prune to his Christmas party? Because he couldn’t find a date.
8. What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? – Time to get a new fence
9. What did the salt say to the pepper? – Seasons greetings
10. Why is a foot a good Christmas gift? – Because it’s a great stocking filler

10 Cracker Jokes

1. What do you call a boomerang that does not come back? A stick.
2. Why was the turkey in the pop group? He was the only one who had drumsticks
3. What happened to Santa when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker
4. What do Santa's little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet
5. Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party? He had no body to go with
6. What do frogs wear on their feet? Open toad sandals.
7. How is Jay Zee like an elf? He spends all his time (w)rapping
8. Who is Rudolph’s favourite pop star? Beyon-sleigh!
9. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy.
10. What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps

Some topical Christmas jokes 2020

1. What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas

2. Did you hear that production was down at Santa's workshop? Many of his workers have had to Elf isolate

3. Why did Mary and Joseph travel to Bethlehem by donkey ? All Virgin flights were cancelled

4. Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity

5. Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the "Arrrr!" rate had risen

6. Why is it best to think of 2020 as like a panto? Because eventually, it's behind you. (Oh yes it is, oh no it isn't)

7. Why couldn't Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn

8. Why can't Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn't know how many tiers it should have

9. What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread

10. Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone

11. How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly? Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail

12. Why won't Santa lose any presents this year? He's downloaded Sack and Trace

13. How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas? It'll take ages to flatten the curve

14. How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year? Fine. No sweat

15. Why wasn't Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials? Because they only wanted guinea pigs

16. Which government scheme supports Christmas dinner? Eat Sprout To Help Out

17. How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year's staff Christmas party? Put him on mute 18. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited? He keeps a logbook

19. Who dresses in red and gives to the children this Christmas? Marcus Rashford

20. Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem? Because they couldn't book a home delivery

(These jokes were compiled by TV Channel Gold)

Some Xmas Jokes 03

Why are Christmas trees so poor at sewing?
They keep dropping their needles.

I heard of a man one Christmas who swallowed tinsel.
He began to suffer from tinselitus.

Give me another name for Santa's little helpers.
Subordinate clauses.

What do you call a naughty boy at Christmas?
A rebel without a Claus.

Some Xmas Jokes 02

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?

Claus-trophobia!

What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A broken drum, you just can’t beat it

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Their days are numbered

How did Scrooge win the football game?

The ghost of Christmas passed!

Did you hear about the grand masters showing off in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Some Xmas Jokes 01

What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?

He got 25 days

What about the lorry that came over from Germany carrying Christmas cake last year and was parked up near the M25?

It was stollen

What did Adam say to Eve the night before Christmas Day?

It's Christmas, Eve

A couple are in bed on Christmas Eve and the wife hears a noise on the roof above and so she enquires what it might be

The husband says - it's rain dear.

Father Christmas

A man took on a seasonal job as a Father Christmas but was not very good and was soon given the sack.