Joint Statement on cannabis

I'm sure this journalist must know what he is doing. His July 2022 article here includes this.

Joint statement

In their joint statement, the three ministers agreed that marijuana is the most widely used illicit drug throughout Europe, adding that “control of the quality and potency of cannabis products is not possible as long as they are not regulated and controlled by public authorities guided by public health objectives.”

One liners 03

I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.

Do refuse collectors have to be trained or do they just pick it up as they go along?

I was going to go out with my architect friends but they all had plans.

I can't stop myself making classical allusions - it's my Achilles heel.

I used to have an addiction to lollipops, but now I've got it licked.

Never read a pop-up book about giraffes. (Sean Lock)

Throwing acid is wrong. In some people's eyes. (Jimmy Carr)

The Lord's Calf

In his commentary on the Sermon on the Mount Dr Martyn Lloyd-Jones uses this story to mae a point. It is not without humour. He says

I remember once hearing a preacher tell a story which he assured us was simple, literal truth. It illustrates perfectly the point which we are considering. It is the story of a farmer who one day went happily and with great joy in his heart to report to his wife and family that their best cow had given birth to twin calves, one red and one white. And he said, "You know I have suddenly had a feeling and impulse that we must dedicate one of these calves to the Lord. We will bring them up together, and when the time comes we will sell one and keep the proceeds, and we will sell the other and give the proceeds to the Lord's work." His wife asked him which he was going to dedicate to the Lord. "There is no need to bother about that now," he replied, "we will treat them both in the same way, and when the time comes we will do as I say." And off he went. In a few months the man entered his kitchen looking very miserable and unhappy. When his wife asked him what was troubling him, he answered, "I have bad news to give you. The Lord's calf is dead." "But", she said, "you had not decided which was to be the Lord's calf." "Oh yes," he said; "I had always decided it was to be the white one, and it is the white one that has died. The Lord's calf is dead.

(He concludes: We may laugh at that story, but God forbid that we should be laughing at ourselves. It is always the Lord's calf that dies. When money becomes difficult, the first thing we economise on is our contribution to God's work. It is always the first thing to go. Perhaps we must not say "always", for that would be unfair; but with so many it is the first thing, and the things we really like are the last to go. "We cannot serve God and mammon." These things tend to come between us and God, and our attitude to them ultimately determines our relationship to God. The mere fact that we believe in God, and call Him, Lord, Lord, and likewise with Christ, is not proof in and of itself that we are serving Him, that we recognise His totalitarian demand, and have yielded ourselves gladly and readily to Him. "Let every man examine himself.")

Examples of the humour of our late Queen

Original: Joel Rouse/ Ministry of DefenceDerivative: nagualdesign, OGL 3
<http://www.nationalarchives.gov.uk/doc/open-government-licence/version/3>,
via Wikimedia Commons

The Queen evidently had a good sense of humour as revealed in the James Bond and Paddington sketches.

Reportedly, the Queen got into a fight with her mother once where her mother snapped, "Who do you think you are?" The monarch answered, "The Queen, mummy, the Queen."

It is said that Her Majesty was not a big fan of Niagara Falls in Canada, when she visited. "It looks very damp," the Queen reportedly said of the epic waterfall attraction.

At the 2016 Chelsea Flower Show, the Queen learned that the lily of the valley plant can be used as a poison. "I've been given two bunches this week. Perhaps they want me dead," the Queen reportedly deadpanned in return.

Towards the end of her life, when asked if she was well, she often quipped that she was still alive.

On one of her trips to New Zealand, some unhappy citizens threw eggs at the Queen as a form of protest. She later referenced the incident, joking, "New Zealand has long been renowned for its dairy produce, though I should say that I myself prefer my New Zealand eggs for breakfast."

The Queen was one of the most famous women in the world, but she reportedly wasn't recognised by a group of tourists while at her Balmoral country home. The group asked if she'd ever met the Queen, and Her Majesty pointed to her protection officer and said, "No, but this policeman has." The Queen apparently ended up taking a snap of the tourists and the policeman but thankfully he took one of them too.

Quips from Evan Essar 1899-1995

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended.
A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a rich widow.
America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.
Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.
Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.
Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.
Most new books are forgotten within a year, especially by those who borrow them.
The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.
The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last.

What's the difference? Jokes

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

What’s the difference between a teacher and a cynic?

A teacher answers your questions; a cynic questions your answers.

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

What’s the difference between a greedy person and a shrimp?

One is selfish; the other is shellfish.

What's the difference between a bird and a fly?

A bird can fly but a fly can't bird

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

You can roast beef, but you can’t pee soup.

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

What's the difference? 04

What is the difference between industrial action and physical exercise?

Industrial action involves workers walking out and physical exercise is about walkers working out.

Bouncing into Graceland

My new book Bouncing into Graceland on the history of skipping is just out. Some reviewers have complained that the book jumps about a bit but I am very happy with the way it has turned out. It beats some of the Double Dutch you get in some books on the subject. The highs and lows of skipping are all presented with a series of twists and turns that are worthy of a novel. An exercise in gaining money for old rope, some may say but a book that can remind you what condiments to buy each week and show you how to spell Mississippi can't be all bad. All the books on Amazon aren't very good, except for Bouncing into Graceland that's alright!

Not averse

"I'm not averse to a hymn on a Sunday evening" said the old lady (whose name was Grace and was known to many as Amazing Grace).

Some Xmas Jokes 04

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ’ho ho ho’!

What’s the first thing Santa’s little helpers learn in school?
The elf-abet

Bob Phillips speaks of the three stages of man at Christmas:

1. You believe in Father Christmas

2. You don't believe in Father Christmas

3. You are Father Christmas

Christmas really is a magical time of year. We just watched all our money magically disappear.

What did the ewe say to her lambs for Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

What do dogs say for Christmas?

Fleas Navidad.

What’s the difference between knights and reindeer?

You see knights slaying dragons and you see reindeer draggin sleighs.