Bob Sjogren on Dog and Cat Theology

The difference between cats and dogs comes from who they see as most important.

Dogs say, “You feed me, take care of me and protect me. You must be God.”

Cats say, “You feed me, take care of me and protect me. I must be God,”

Some funny lines

Parallel lines have much in common but sadly, they never meet.

Intersecting lines meet at one point, but then drift off and never meet again.

Lines are sad.

A Political Joke From Washington

Poor taste perhaps but funny

It had been a long, long day, and John the truck driver really wanted to just get home. Living in Washington DC, he knew traffic would be bad this time of evening, but to his horror, a traffic jam reared ahead of him larger than anything he could have anticipated. Bewildered, since he hadn't heard anything yet on the news, he stuck his head out and just kept seeing cars slowing down then driving off. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks,

"What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress!"

"Oh my word!" exclaims John.

"And they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom."

"Oh my!" moans John.

"Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire!"

"This is terrrible!" cries John.

"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" asks John.

"About a gallon."

Jokes I found in Steve Wilkens' Book on God and humour

I kept wondering why the ball was getting bigger. And then it hit me.

Laughter is the best medicine except for treating diorrhea

The Miss Universe contest must be rigged - it's always a human being that wins

If you don't believe God has a sense of humour, just look in the mirror.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory: all I did was take a day off ...

Okay, I can't spell Armageddon. It's not the end of the world ...

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I think I'm a moth."  "You don't need me," replies the doctor, "you need a psychologist." "I know," says the man, "but I was passing, and your light was on."

Bill Engvall humour

(I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.)

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, Got stuck, huh? The truck driver says, No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin' a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here's your sign.

I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked. I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn't help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here's your sign!

I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me you think he's been hunting? Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here's your sign!

I have three children ...

 I have three children - 12, 10 and 8 - we should have given them names really

Escalators The late Mitch Hedberg

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologise for the fact that you can still get up there.

The Hapless Pastor

Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor ...  As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died. "You know," he said, "Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Bob Monkhouse Jokes

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

Will Rogers/Bob Monkhouse Joke

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did - in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.