Ken Dodd Jokes

Marking the death of Ken Dodd in March 2018

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it

“Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn’s cocktail party? He pulled a mussel.

I always feel at home in theatres like this, because we’re about the same age.

My Dad always knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said, ‘Is this a joke?

Five out of every three people have trouble understanding fractions.

I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny. I live by the seaside.

Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It started off badly, but by the end I really liked it…

The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

Some Xmas Jokes 01

What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?

He got 25 days

What about the lorry that came over from Germany carrying Christmas cake last year and was parked up near the M25?

It was stollen

What did Adam say to Eve the night before Christmas Day?

It's Christmas, Eve

A couple are in bed on Christmas Eve and the wife hears a noise on the roof above and so she enquires what it might be

The husband says - it's rain dear.

Trappist Monks Joke 02

Trappist monks speak only when it is absolutely necessary. A novice joins an order of Trappist Monks and witnesses a strange activity.

All the monks sit at a table with a pile of numbers on cards in the middle and take it in turns to hold up a card. There would then be various levels of suppressed laughter from the other monks.

'What's this all about?' asked the novice, forgetting he was now in a Trappist Monastery. The abbot held up a huge card with the letters 'SHH!' on it.

Duly admonished, the novice then wrote down his question and handed it to the Abbot. The written answer was that the monks had been together so long that they had heard all the jokes before and so to avoid too much speaking they had devised a system whereby every joke was numbered and so all that was necessary to do was to hold up a number and the rest would know what the joke was.

Being new to all this, the novice thought he might join in. He also began to hold up different numbers. However, the other monks just looked at him, without laughing, and he felt rather bewildered.

Later on he wrote down another question, enquiring why no-one laughed when he held up his numbers while they had laughed when the other monks did. The written reply came to him from the Abbot himself. 'Ah, you see, with a joke, it's the way you tell it!''

Trappist Monks Joke 01

A man joins an order of Trappist monks. Trappists are only to speak when necessary. In this particular monastery the rule was that monks were only allowed to speak once every 10 years. The man was told this and was happy to enter into virtual silence.

10 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to him "It's been ten years. What would you like to say brother?".

The man says, "The porridge could do with a little more salt."
The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.

Another 10 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it's been another ten years. What is it that you wish to say?"

"The bed sheets are a bit thin" the man replies.
Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.

Yet another 10 years pass and the head monk sees the man and says "Another ten years have passed. Have you anything to say?"

"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.

"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

The Zen Monk and the Hot Dog Vendor

Q: What did the Zen monk say to the hot dog stand vendor?

A: Make me one with everything

Sequel:

The hot dog vendor prepares it and gives it to the monk. The monk pays him with a banknote and asks for the change. The hot dog vendor says: “Change comes from within.”

Alexei Sayle Rhetorical Questions

I liked this from the Edinburgh Fringe 2017 - “I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?” Alexei Sayle

Father Christmas

A man took on a seasonal job as a Father Christmas but was not very good and was soon given the sack.

Human cannonball

The man who worked at the circus as a human cannonball was apparently fired (many times). When he left the ring master was very disappointed not expecting to find a man of similar calibre very easily.

Lost case

A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has apparently lost his case.

Darts joke

Two elderly nuns are at their local watching a darts match.

The first player throws his initial dart and scores a maximum treble twenty.

Then he sees the nuns and it puts him off his stride and his second dart scores only a twenty.

The nuns express their disappointment but try to cheer him on.

By this time he is losing his cool completely and his third dart hits one of the dartboard wires and rebounds to the place just where the nuns are stood.

Sadly, the dart hits one of the nuns and the other is so shocked that she drops dead.

The crowd is silent for a moment

... and then the referee shouts out in his broad Geordie

"One nun dead and eighty!"