When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.
I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.
Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.