When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...