Groucho Marx One Liners

• I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member.
• Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.
• Women should be obscene and not heard.
• I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.
• I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
• Room service? Send up a larger room.
• I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
• I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
• The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.
• Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
• He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
• Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.
• How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.
• From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
• I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
• Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
• Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very
• 'Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.'
• There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit ... retire!
• I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thoughts I'll dance with the cows till you come home.
• Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
• Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
• Last night I shot an elephant in my pyjamas and how he got in my pyjamas I'll never know.
• Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
• I am a Marxist - of the Groucho tendency.
• Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.