Two Ronnies Swedish Lesson Sketch

Man: L.O.
Waiter: L.O.
Man: R.U.B.C.
Waiter: S.V.R.B.C.
Waitress: L.O.
Waiter: L.O.
Man: L.O.
Man: F.U.N.E.X.
Waiter: S.V.F.X.
Man: F.U.N.E.M.
Waiter: 9.
Man: I.F.C.D.M.
Waiter: V.F.N.10.E.M.
Waitress: A. V.F.M.
Man: R.
Waiter: O.
Waitress: C. D.M.
Waiter: O.S. V.F.M.
Man: O.K. M.N.X.
Waiter: M.N.X.
Man: F.U.N.E.T.
Waiter: 1 T.
Man: 1 T.
Waiter: O.K. M.X.N.T. M.X.N.T.4.1.
Waitress: V.F.N.10.E.X.
Man: U.Z.U.F.X.
Waiter: Y.F.N.U.N.E.X.
Waitress: I.F.E.10.M.
Waiter: S.I.L.L.Y. C.O.W.

A man who was what he ate

They say a  man is what he eats.
I knew a man once who only ate fruitcake, nuts, bananas and crackers.
They say he once ate bats.

Steve Martin in Roxanne

In the 1987 film Roxanne Steve Martin's character alludes to 25 jokes about his nose as follows

1. Obvious: Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face.
2. Meteorological: Everybody take cover. She’s going to blow.
3. Fashionable: You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger. Like … Wyoming.
4. Personal: Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
5. Punctual: Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen minutes late.
6. Envious: Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your own ear.
7. Naughty: Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn’t mind putting that thing away.
8. Philosophical: You know. It’s not the size of a nose thats important. It’s what’s in it that matters.
9. Humorous: Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye Seattle.
10. Commercial: Hi, I’m Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
11. Polite: Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps changing tempo.
12. Melodic: Everybody! “He’s got the whole world in his nose.”
13. Sympathetic: Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God?
14. Complimentary: You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on.
15. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides.
16. Obscure: Oh, I’d hate to see the grindstone . . . Think about it.
17. Inquiry: When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?
18. French: Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave.
19. Pornographic: Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once.
20. Religious: The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn’t He.
21. Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair.
22. Paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine.
23. Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee . . . in Brazil
24. Appreciative: Oooh, how original. Most people just have their teeth capped.
25. Dirty: Your name wouldn’t be Dick, would it?

Who knows any nose jokes?

My dog doesn't have a nose.
How does it smell?
Terrible! (like that joke)

I like your nose.
I picked it myself.

Or why was the nose sad at school?
It didn't get picked

What do you find inside a clean nose?
Fingerprints.

How is it that the nose runs and the feet smell?

Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot

How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
Hold its nose

My pet skunk by Olden D Nose
Blowing my nose by Hank Yee

What do you call a man ...? jokes

What do you call a man with a plank on his head? Edward
What do you call a man with cat scratches on his head? Claude
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack

What do you call a man with an insect on his head? Ant(on)
What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head? Russell
What do you call a man with a wig on his head? Aaron
What do you call a man with a mat on his head? Neil
What do you call a man with a number plate on his head? Reg
What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug
What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff
What do you call a man with a toilet on his head? Lou
What do you call a woman with two toilets on her head? Lulu
What do you call a woman with a gas fire on her head? Anita

What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head? Beatrix

What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head playing snooker? Beatrix Potter
What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen
What do you call a man in the sea with no arms or legs? Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and legs on a porch? Matt
What do you call a man with no arms or legs who comes through your letterbox? Bill
What do you call a man with no arms or legs on a wall? Art
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pot? Stu
What do you call a man with no arms or legs long buried in a swamp? Pete

What do you call a woman with no arms or legs floating down a river? Flo

What do you call a woman with no arms or legs on a fence? Barb

What do you call a woman with no arms or legs on a beach? Sandy

Edward Woodward Jokes

DJM-Dick James Music, Public domain,
via Wikimedia Commons

Why are there so many 'd's in Edward Woodward's name?

Because if there weren't he'd be called Ewar Woowar.

What do you call an actor who breaks wind in the bath?

Edward Woodward

What do you call a man with a head?

Ed

What do you call a man with a wooden head?

Edward

What do you call a man with two wooden heads?

Edward Wood

What do you call a man with three wooden heads?

Edward Woodward

What do you call a man with four wooden heads?

I don't know but Edward Woodward would

An epitaph

Here lie the bones of one 'Bun'

He was killed with a gun.

His name was not 'Bun' but 'Wood'

But 'Wood' would not rhyme with gun

But 'Bun' would.

Some Trabant jokes

These jokes were popular following the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989

Q. How do you double the value of a Trabant? A. Fill up the tank!

Q. How many workers does it take to build a Trabi? A. Three, one to cut, one to fold and one to paste.

Q. How do you measure the acceleration of a Trabant? A. With a diary.

Q. Why do some Trabants have heated rear windows? A. To keep your hands warm when pushing.

Q. What's the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a Trabant? A. You can shut the door on a JW.

Q. When does a Trabi reach its top speed? A. When it's being towed.

Some Tim Vine Jokes

“I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.”

“I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'”

“I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.'” 

“I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”

“I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.”

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”

Electric Kettle Pun

I've been meaning to descale my electric kettle for weeks now but I keep deferring it.