Some old Jokes

Growing Pains

A young boy was lying in bed one night when he felt a pain in his leg. He tried to sleep but unable to he decided to go to his parents room. He explained the problem to his parents and so his dad told him that it was probably growing pains. This put the boy's mind at rest and he went back to bed. After laying there for a while, however, he began to think about it. The pain is only in the one leg!

Damaged luggage

I showed my badly damaged luggage to a lawyer and told him “I want to sue the airline because of their negligence.”

He said to me “You don’t have much of a case.”

Euripides and Eumenides

A man walks into an ancient Greek tailors with a pair of torn trousers.

The tailor says to him, "Euripides?"

The man says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

Groucho Marx One Liners

Ralph F. Stitt, Rivoli Theatre, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.
How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very
'Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.'
There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit ... retire!
I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thoughts I'll dance with the cows till you come home.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Last night I shot an elephant in my pyjamas and how he got in my pyjamas I'll never know.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
I am a Marxist - of the Groucho tendency.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Two Apocryphal Churchill Anecdotes

Walter Stoneman, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Churchill is supposed to have bumped into the MP Bessie Braddock one night drunk. She is supposed to have said "Winston, you are drunk, and what’s more you are disgustingly drunk." He is supposed to have replied to her that she was ugly, and what’s more, she was disgustingly ugly. He then added "But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly.

The other humorous remark was supposed to have been drawn when the MP Nancy Astor said to him, "Winston, if I were your wife I would put poison in your tea". He is supposed to have replied, "And, Madame, if you were my wife, I would drink it."

Church Notices Bloopers

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy!"
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
The 8th graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the North and south ends of the church. Babies will be baptized at both ends.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of a new carpet. All of those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the basement on Saturday.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

More drill jokes

I introduced a friend to my hammer, my chisel and my saw. He knows the drill.

I used to be a drill operator but it was boring.

Had a job once that involved drilling holes and bolting them together. Started off boring but ended up riveting.

I hate drills

I knew a man who hated drills. I asked him why. He answered "I just find them a bit boring".

Jabez Earle Presbyterian Minister

Jabez Earle (c 1676-1768) was a long lived Presbyterian minister. The stories told of his jokes relate chiefly to his three wives, whom he called "the world, the flesh and the devil". To one of them he explained the difference between exportation and transportation by saying, "If you were exported I should be transported".

Question and Answer 3

Otter, CC BY-SA 4.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0>,
via Wikimedia Commons

Why did the lion and the witch enter the wardrobe? Narnia business