An American friend told me that he has decided to start calling his toilet the Jim instead of the John. I wondered why. Then I realised that way he can impress people by saying "I go to the Jim every morning".
Arriving at an airport jokes
A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him "Do you have a criminal record?" The British man replies "I didn't think you'd need one any more."
A Canadian man pulls up to the American border. "Sir, do you have a gun in the car?" "No ... I didn't know I needed one."
An old German man arrives at Warsaw airport. He is questioned. "Surname?" "Schmidt." "First name?" "Hans." "Occupation?" "Nein, just visiting this time."
(I have a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes. My doctor says it’s terminal.)
Edinburgh Fringe Gags 2017-2023
2023 Lorna Rose Treen ‘I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah.’
2022 Masai Graham ‘I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta.’
...
2019 Olaf Falafel “I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have florets”
2018 Adam Rowe “Working at the JobCentre has to be a tense job – knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.”
2017 Ken Cheng “I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.”
Edinburgh Fringe Gags 2009-2016
2016 Masai Graham ‘My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.’
2015 Darren Walsh "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free."2014 Tim Vine ‘I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.’
2013 Rob Auton ‘I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.’
2012 Stewart Francis ‘You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.’
2011 Nick Helm ‘I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.’
2010 Tim Vine ‘I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.’
2009 Dan Antopolski ‘Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?’
Mark Simmons Ship in a Bottle
I liked this from the Edinburgh Fringe 2017 - “I was going to sail around the globe in the world's smallest ship but I bottled it.”
Steven Wright Jokes
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once or twice.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Demetri Martin One Liners
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologise.' Except at a funeral.
I am bravery. I am courage. I am valour. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.
I used to play sports. Then I realised you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
Also
I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
My favourite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'
Good news bad news for an Artist
.jpg)
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy is your doctor."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)