If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
It’s a small world but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes Monopoly.
When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.
Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?
A clear conscience is usually a good sign of a bad memory.
I went to the General store, they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I bought some instant water, but I didn’t know what to add.
How young can you die of old age?
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
What a nice night for an evening.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
My friend George is an AM radio DJ and when he walks under a bridge, you can’t hear him.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues in all the other museums.
I installed a skylight in my apartment and made the people who live above me furious.
I’m going to get an MRI to find out whether or not I have claustrophobia.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
I’m addicted to placebos.
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
Ok, what’s the speed of dark?
In Vegas I got into an argument with a man at the roulette wheel about what I considered to be an odd number.
I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.
I saw a bank that said, “24-hour banking” but I don’t have that much time.
I had to stop driving my car for a while, because the tires got dizzy.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
Sometimes I wish that my first word was ‘quote’ that way on my death bed my last words could be ‘end quote.’
If you tell a joke in the forest and nobody laughs, is it a joke?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
So do you live around here often?
If you can’t hear me it’s because I’m in parentheses.
Do you think when they asked George Washington for ID, he just whipped out a quarter?
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
If a word in the dictionary was misspelled how would we know?
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.
The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter.
My grandmother is also insane, she’s got pierced hearing aids.
My brother was a clown for the Ringling Brothers Circus and when he died all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I remember when I was a fetus I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping.
If I ever had twins, I would use one for parts.
I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.
Every morning I get up and make instant coffee so I’ll have enough energy to make the regular coffee.
I woke up and was folding my bed back into a couch and I almost broke both my arms because it’s not one of those beds.
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