Steven Wright One Liners

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
It’s a small world but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes Monopoly.
When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.
Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?
A clear conscience is usually a good sign of a bad memory.
I went to the General store, they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I bought some instant water, but I didn’t know what to add.
How young can you die of old age?
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
What a nice night for an evening.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
My friend George is an AM radio DJ and when he walks under a bridge, you can’t hear him.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues in all the other museums.
I installed a skylight in my apartment and made the people who live above me furious.
I’m going to get an MRI to find out whether or not I have claustrophobia.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
I’m addicted to placebos.
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
Ok, what’s the speed of dark?
In Vegas I got into an argument with a man at the roulette wheel about what I considered to be an odd number.
I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.
I saw a bank that said, “24-hour banking” but I don’t have that much time.
I had to stop driving my car for a while, because the tires got dizzy.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
Sometimes I wish that my first word was ‘quote’ that way on my death bed my last words could be ‘end quote.’
If you tell a joke in the forest and nobody laughs, is it a joke?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
So do you live around here often?
If you can’t hear me it’s because I’m in parentheses.
Do you think when they asked George Washington for ID, he just whipped out a quarter?
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
If a word in the dictionary was misspelled how would we know?
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.
The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter.
My grandmother is also insane, she’s got pierced hearing aids.
My brother was a clown for the Ringling Brothers Circus and when he died all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I remember when I was a fetus I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping.
If I ever had twins, I would use one for parts.
I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.
Every morning I get up and make instant coffee so I’ll have enough energy to make the regular coffee.
I woke up and was folding my bed back into a couch and I almost broke both my arms because it’s not one of those beds.

One liners 5

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, ‘This changes everything.’

Whiteboards are remarkable.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

‘I have a split personality,’ said Tom, being Frank.

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

The man is a seasoned veteran. He's survived both mustard gas and pepper spray.

I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he’s gone. (Steven Wright)

What’s another word for Thesaurus? (Steven Wright)


John Jim Toilet Humour

An American friend told me that he has decided to start calling his toilet the Jim instead of the John. I wondered why. Then I realised that way he can impress people by saying "I go to the Jim every morning".

Describe Yourself In Three Words

Answer 1
Lazy

Answer 2
Not good at following instructions

London Dog Joke

 


Arriving at an airport jokes

A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him "Do you have a criminal record?" The British man replies "I didn't think you'd need one any more."

A Canadian man pulls up to the American border. "Sir, do you have a gun in the car?" "No ... I didn't know I needed one."

An old German man arrives at Warsaw airport. He is questioned. "Surname?" "Schmidt." "First name?" "Hans." "Occupation?" "Nein, just visiting this time."

(I have a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes. My doctor says it’s terminal.)

Edinburgh Fringe Gags 2017-2023


2023 Lorna Rose Treen ‘I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah.’
2022 Masai Graham ‘I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta.’
...
2019 Olaf Falafel “I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have florets”
2018 Adam Rowe “Working at the JobCentre has to be a tense job – knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.”
2017 Ken Cheng “I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.”

Edinburgh Fringe Gags 2009-2016

2016 Masai Graham ‘My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.’
2015 Darren Walsh "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free."
2014 Tim Vine ‘I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.’
2013 Rob Auton ‘I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.’
2012 Stewart Francis ‘You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.’
2011 Nick Helm ‘I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.’
2010 Tim Vine ‘I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.’
2009 Dan Antopolski ‘Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?’

Mark Simmons Ship in a Bottle


I liked this from the Edinburgh Fringe 2017 - “I was going to sail around the globe in the world's smallest ship but I bottled it.”

Steven Wright Jokes


Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

I's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?