Emo Phillips Religion Jokes

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ... and I got it!

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

Yet More Emo Phillips Jokes

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.

I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

More Emo Phillips Jokes

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...

Emo Phillips Jokes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"

Actually, my CD was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realised I would want to be taught a lesson.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.