10 More Cracker Jokes

1. What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut? – A barber-queue
2. What has four legs but can’t walk? – A table
3. What lies at the bottom of the sea shivering? – A nervous wreck
4. What athlete is warmest in winter? – A long jumper
5. Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? – Because they were two deer
6. What’s the most popular Christmas wine? – I don’t like sprouts
7. Why did the orange take a prune to his Christmas party? Because he couldn’t find a date.
8. What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? – Time to get a new fence
9. What did the salt say to the pepper? – Seasons greetings
10. Why is a foot a good Christmas gift? – Because it’s a great stocking filler

Humorous Book Titles and Authors 02

‘Advantageous’ by Benny Fishall
‘A History of Welsh Comedians’ by Dai Laffyn
‘Antibiotics’ by Penny Silling
‘Are You Dancing?’ by R. U. Asking
‘Art and Culture’ by Phyllis Stein
‘Bacteria’ by Mike Robes
‘Beguiled’ by N. Tyesing
‘Blushing’ by Rosie Cheeks
‘Breakfast’ by Hammond Deggs
‘Broken Window’ by Eva Brick
‘Coastal Walks’ by Cliff Topp-Path
‘Common Cold Symptoms’ by Ron E. Nose
‘Constabulary’ by Laura Norder
‘Contempt for Human Nature’ by Miss Ann Thropy
‘Crime & Punishment USA’ by Penny Tentiary
‘Mush in My Cuppa’ by Duncan Biscuits
‘Dentistry’ by Phil McCavity
‘Digital’ by Anna Logg
'Diplomatic Mission’ by M. Bassy
‘Dog’s Dinner’ by Nora Bone
‘Easily Done’ by F. Oughtless-Lee
'Favourite Pizza Toppings’ by Anne Chovie
‘Forthright’ by Frank O. Pinion
‘French Cookery’ by Sue Flay
‘French Windows’ by Pattie O’Dors
‘Geology’ by Roxanne Minerals
‘Get Rid of Your Possessions’ by Lester Worrierbout
‘Good Read’ by Paige Turner
‘Great Britain from 1837 to 1910’ by Vic Torian and Ed Wardian
‘Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow’ by I. M. Balding
‘Harassment’ by Percy Kyuwshun
‘Horrendous’ by Terry Bull
‘How can I Help?’ by Len Dahand
‘Intellectual Isolation’ by Ivor E. Towers
‘Islands’ by Archie Pelago
‘Knighthood’ by Neil Downe
‘Leaflet design’ by Pam Flett
‘Leather Preparation’ by Tanya Hyde
‘Life Before Cars’ by Orson Carte
‘Lion Taming’ by Claude Bottom
‘Living on a Budget’ by Penny Pincher
‘Looking Younger’ by Fay Slift
‘Magnificent’ by Wanda Full
‘Men Can Change’ by Betty Woant
‘Stringed instruments’ by Geeta and Amanda Lynne
‘My Crush’ by Anna Konder
‘No Longer Required’ by Sue Perflewus
‘Not Too Hot, Not Too Cold’ by Lou Quarm
'Old Age’ by Jerry Attrick
‘Optician’s Guide’ by Seymour Clearly
‘Outgoing Personality’ by Greg Arius
‘Outstanding’ by Emma Nentley
‘Over and Out’ by Roger Wilko
‘Pampered and Indulged’ by Molly Coddled
'Poked in the Eye’ by Dee Stick
‘Prison Break’ by Frieda Convict
‘Pub Crawl’ by Carrie Meholm
‘Putting on Clothes’ by Don A. Parell
‘Recommended Books’ by Betty Dreedit
‘Rowing the Pacific’ by Willy Maykit
'Dancing at the Party' by Hans Neesanboompsadaisy
'Carpet Fitting' by Walter Wall
'Whodunnit?' by Ivor Clew
The Greatest Detective Stories Ever Told by Watts E. Dunn
All You Need to Know about Explosives by Dinah Mite
'The Insurmountable problem' by Major Setback
'Grow Your Own Vegetables' by Rosa Carrotts
The Barber of Seville by Aaron Floor
Shipwrecked by Mandy Lifeboats
End of the week by Gladys Friday

Humorous Book Titles and Authors 01

Robots by Anne Droid
Hot Dog! by Frank Furter
Sea Birds by Al Batross
Beekeeping by A. P. Arry
Come on in! by Doris Open
Parachuting by Hugo First
Leo Tolstoy by Warren Peace
Pain Relief by Ann L. Gesick
Armed Heists by Robin Banks
I Love Wills by Benny Fishery
Falling Trees by Tim Burr
Why Cars Stop by M.T. Tank
Military Rule by Marshall Law
Off To Market by Tobias A. Pigg
Mosquito Bites by Ivan Itch
Red Vegetables by B. Troot
Highway Travel by Dusty Rhodes
I Hate the Sun by Gladys Knight
I Didn't Do It! by Ivan Alibi
Without Warning by Oliver Sudden
Desert Crossing by I. Rhoda Camel
Lexicon by Dick Shunnary
Winning the Race by Vic Toree
Covered Walkways by R. Kade
Breaking the Law by Kermit A. Krime
I Love Mathematics by Adam Up
Unsolved Mysteries by N. Igma
String Instruments by Viola Player
Picnicking by Alf Resco
Smash His Lobster! by Buster Crabbe
Snakes of the World by Anna Conda
The Housing Problem by Rufus Quick
Manmade Clothing by Polly Esther Topp
If I Invited Him... by Woody Kum
And the Other People by Allan Sundry
Things to Cook Meat In by Stu Potts
Pull with All You've Got! by Eve Ho
Military Defeats by Major Disaster and General Mayhem
I Lost My Balance by Eileen Dover and Paul Down
Work with Diamonds by Jules Sparkle
I Like Weeding Gardens by Manuel Labour
Who Killed Cock Robin? by Howard I. Know
Daddy are We There Yet? by Miles Away
The Palace Roof has a Hole by Lee King
I Was a Cloakroom Attendant by Mahatma Coate
‘Rusty Bedsprings’ by I. P. Knightly
‘School Sports’ by Jim Nasium
‘Seaside Amusements’ by Penny R. Cade
‘Shellfire’ by R. Tillery
‘Sitting’ by Stan Ding
‘Slimmer’s Bible’ by Lou Swaite
‘Sore Joints’ by A. King
‘Spring Showers’ by April Rain
‘Spring Shrubbery’ by Theresa Green
‘Standing in a Circle’ by Hans Joyned
‘Stand-up Comedian’ by Joe Kerr
‘Suspended’ by Dan Glynn
‘Suspense’ by Cliff Hanger
‘The Bishop’s Seat’ by Cathy Draal
‘The Bus Conductor’ by Myles Standing
'There’s a Hole in My Bucket’ by Lee King
‘Thirst Quencher’ by Bev Ridge
‘Three Wishes’ by Jean E. Ovthelamp
‘Tobacco Addiction’ by Mustapha Fagg
‘Try Harder’ by Buster Gutt
‘Turkish Fast Food’ by Donna K. Bab
'Tying Shoe Laces’ by Ben Dover
‘Underwear Problems’ by Lucy Lastic
‘Voice Amplification’ by Mike Raphone
‘Your Future’ by Claire Voyance

Eating clocks

I have another friend who is into eating clocks. He can't do much of it as it's quite time consuming, especially when you go for seconds.

Blindfolded archery

A friend of mine tends to have crazes. His latest one is for blindfolded archery He was very enthusiastic about it when I spoke to him recently. When I expressed some doubts about it, he said "You don't know what you're missing".

The wooden car

I once bought a wooden car. It hasd a wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, everything in wood. I put the wooden key in the wooden ignition and wadda ya know? It wooden start.

The Newspaper Riddle

According to Wikipedia the newspaper riddle is a riddle joke or conundrum in English that begins with the question:

Q: What is black and white and red all over?

The traditional answer, which relies upon the identical pronunciation of the words "red" and "read", is:

A: A newspaper.

Mac E Barrick believes this riddle to be "perhaps the most common example of a folk riddle collected in the United States in the twentieth century", pointing out that between 1917 and 1939 it appeared in 15 collections of folk riddles, and in a further six between 1939 and 1974.

Alternative answers to the riddle exist, where red is used as a colour, parodying the canonical form of the riddle. Example answers include:

"a chocolate sundae with ketchup on top"

"a crossword done in red ink"

"a penguin with sunburn"

"a zebra with too much lipstick"

"an embarrassed dalmatian"

"a skunk painted red"

"a communist nun"

"a panda holding its breath"

"the Morning Star"

"a very bad balance sheet"

There are darker versions too that we will not repeat.

Such answers are "adequate, but not clever", because they lack the homophonic pun.

One twist on the riddle is

Q. What is red and white and black all over?

A. Santa when he's come down the chimney

Also note

What's black when you get it, red when you use it and white when you're through with it? Charcoal