If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!
One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother’s face through the oven window. As we played hide and seek and she said: ‘you’re getting warmer’.
Hopefully, I’ve got a book coming out soon. Shouldn’t have eaten it, really.
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we’ve started to call her ‘I can’t believe she’s not better’.
I hate sitting in traffic - because I always get run over.
My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open. Which is probably why his submarine sank.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it really.
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.”
Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not …
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.
About a month before my grandfather died, we covered his back with lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.
My other grandfather was a peeping tom. He used to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the flat below. He died recently, but I like thinking about him up there somewhere, looking down on us.
Recently. I had bird flu. But it’s all relative isn’t it? If I had rabies and you offered me bird flu, I’d bite your hand off!
I’m very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet: ‘How to Have Absolutely Nothing to Do with Your Neighbours’. Unfortunately, I was out when it was delivered.
When I was in America, I really got into the culture. I went into the shop and the guy said ‘Have a nice day’ and I didn’t. So I sued him.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying: ‘I don’t want to bore you with the details’.
After that I worked in a pathology lab, and I was asked to leave after one of my reports said ’cause of death: autopsy’.
The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.
I don’t trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say ‘press’, but if you press those badges they just fall over all surprised.
Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do; he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment. Probably turning in his grave.
If you’re depressed and called Morgan, spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs? I don’t think so … retired mermaids.
Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.
One of my heroes growing up was George Best. No no – I liked Zippy the best.
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I’d come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone!
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education, because they were both druids.
“I can’t even count to ten in French: un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept… Aarrgghh! Sorry, I’ve got a huit allergy.”
To the man on crutches dressed in camouflage who stole my wallet: you can hide but you can’t run.
We live in an uncaring society. I was in the park the other day watching an old man feed the birds, and after a while I thought to myself: ‘I wonder how long he’s been dead?'
When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!
I’ve just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.
Recently I’ve been attending meetings of Eavesdroppers Anonymous – not that they know!
You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
I was walking along the other day and on the pavement I saw a white baby ghost; however, come to think of it, it may have been a tissue.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number. She looked great going down the stairs.
Overall, I’d say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.
I recently bought the box set of Doctor Who and watched it back to back. Unfortunately, I wasn’t the one facing the TV!
A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!
I love face-painting. It’s a lot of fun. Although you do need the person’s permission.
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my granddad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
The school had a big problem with drugs … especially Class A.
