An American friend told me that he has decided to start calling his toilet the Jim instead of the John. I wondered why. Then I realised that way he can impress people by saying "I go to the Jim every morning".
Arriving at an airport jokes
A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him "Do you have a criminal record?" The British man replies "I didn't think you'd need one any more."
A Canadian man pulls up to the American border. "Sir, do you have a gun in the car?" "No ... I didn't know I needed one."
An old German man arrives at Warsaw airport. He is questioned. "Surname?" "Schmidt." "First name?" "Hans." "Occupation?" "Nein, just visiting this time."
(I have a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes. My doctor says it’s terminal.)
Edinburgh Fringe Gags 2017-2023
2023 Lorna Rose Treen ‘I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah.’
2022 Masai Graham ‘I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta.’
...
2019 Olaf Falafel “I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have florets”
2018 Adam Rowe “Working at the JobCentre has to be a tense job – knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.”
2017 Ken Cheng “I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.”
Edinburgh Fringe Gags 2009-2016
2016 Masai Graham ‘My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.’
2015 Darren Walsh "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free."2014 Tim Vine ‘I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.’
2013 Rob Auton ‘I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.’
2012 Stewart Francis ‘You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.’
2011 Nick Helm ‘I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.’
2010 Tim Vine ‘I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.’
2009 Dan Antopolski ‘Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?’
Mark Simmons Ship in a Bottle
I liked this from the Edinburgh Fringe 2017 - “I was going to sail around the globe in the world's smallest ship but I bottled it.”
Steven Wright Jokes
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once or twice.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Demetri Martin One Liners
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologise.' Except at a funeral.
I am bravery. I am courage. I am valour. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.
I used to play sports. Then I realised you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
Also
I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
My favourite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'
Good news bad news for an Artist
.jpg)
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy is your doctor."
I was told to live every day as if it was my last ....
I was told to live every day as if it was my last. So every morning I wake up real early, and I spend maybe three hours on the 'phone making funeral arrangements.
I was told to live every day as if it was my last. So, I decided I'd stay in bed with life support and act as if I'm in comatose state from now on.
Bob Sjogren on Dog and Cat Theology
The difference between cats and dogs comes from who they see as most important.
Dogs say, “You feed me, take care of me and protect me. You must be God.”
Cats say, “You feed me, take care of me and protect me. I must be God,”
Some funny lines
Parallel lines have much in common but sadly, they never meet.
Intersecting lines meet at one point, but then drift off and never meet again.
Lines are sad.
A Political Joke From Washington
Poor taste perhaps but funny
It had been a long, long day, and John the truck driver really wanted to just get home. Living in Washington DC, he knew traffic would be bad this time of evening, but to his horror, a traffic jam reared ahead of him larger than anything he could have anticipated. Bewildered, since he hadn't heard anything yet on the news, he stuck his head out and just kept seeing cars slowing down then driving off. Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress!"
"Oh my word!" exclaims John.
"And they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom."
"Oh my!" moans John.
"Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire!"
"This is terrrible!" cries John.
"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" asks John.
"About a gallon."
Jokes I found in Steve Wilkens' Book on God and humour
I kept wondering why the ball was getting bigger. And then it hit me.
Laughter is the best medicine except for treating diorrhea
The Miss Universe contest must be rigged - it's always a human being that wins
If you don't believe God has a sense of humour, just look in the mirror.
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory: all I did was take a day off ...
Okay, I can't spell Armageddon. It's not the end of the world ...
A man goes to his doctor and says, "I think I'm a moth." "You don't need me," replies the doctor, "you need a psychologist." "I know," says the man, "but I was passing, and your light was on."
Bill Engvall humour
.jpg)
(I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.)
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, Got stuck, huh? The truck driver says, No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.
One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin' a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here's your sign.
I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked. I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn't help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here's your sign!
I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me you think he's been hunting? Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here's your sign!
I have three children ...
I have three children - 12, 10 and 8 - we should have given them names really
Escalators The late Mitch Hedberg
I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologise for the fact that you can still get up there.
The Hapless Pastor
Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor ... As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died. "You know," he said, "Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
Bob Monkhouse Jokes
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.
When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.
Will Rogers/Bob Monkhouse Joke
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did - in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)