Mondegreens

These are misheard words
  1. There's a bathroom on the right. Should be: There’s a bad moon on the rise. Bad Moon Rising – Creedence Clearwater Revival
  2. And there's a wino down the road. Should be: And as we wind on down the road. Stairway to Heaven – Led Zeppelin
  3. 'Scuse me while I kiss this guy. Should be: ‘Scuse me, while I kiss the sky. Purple Haze – Jimi Hendrix
  4. Bake me a pie of love. Should be: Bring me a higher love. Higher Love – Steve Winwood
  5. I sometimes wish I'd never been boiled in oil. Should be: I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all. Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen.
  6. No Dukes of Hazzard in the classroom. Should be: No dark sarcasm in the classroom. Another Brick in the Wall – Pink Floyd.
  7. We are living in a Cheerio world, and I am a Cheerio girl. Should be: We are living in a material world, and I am a material girl. Material Girl – Madonna.
  8. Wrapped up like a douche, another runner in the night. Should be: Revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night.Blinded by the Light – Manfred Mann’s Earth Band.
  9. A year has gone since I broke my nose. Should be: A year has passed since I wrote my note. Message in a Bottle – The Police.
  10. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear. Should be: Gladly The Cross I'd Bear. Traditional Hymn

Hylda Bakerisms



  1. "You haven't had the pleasure of me yet have you?."
  2. "I'll inhale that remark"
  3. "He was sat sitting there"
  4. "This is a fine hysterical building, kept up by the National Truss"
  5. "I can say that without fear of contraception."
  6. "I've had lessons in electricution, you know"
  7. "What are you incinerating?"
  8. "She was so self defecating"
  9. "Blackpool hallucinations"
  10. "You mean to tell me your house has been disintegregated?"
(In the sitcom Nearest and Dearest)

Yet More Malapropisms

  1. “decapitated coffee.”
  2. “he takes me for granite.”
  3. “prostrate cancer”
  4. “chickenpops”
  5. "Does the printshop do lemonading?"
  6. "Avoid him, he smokes marinara"
  7. "Shoplifters will be prostituted"
  8. "When I hugged him, I could smell his colon"
  9.  "Card only, no cashback' sorry for the incontinence"
  10. "The project was on euthanasia not youth in Asia!!" (technically a monde green we may come to those)

More Malapropisms

  1.  'Going off on a tandem' 
  2.  'The world is your lobster, my son' Arthur Daley. 
  3.  'I'm as happy as a sandbag'
  4.  'A bit of a damp squid'
  5. 'He eludes confidence' 
  6. 'It's not rocket fuel'
  7. 'If I don't want to serve someone, that is my provocative'
  8.  'Chocolate peripherals'
  9. 'Cordelia is a paragon of goodness and finial loyalty'
  10. T'he officers surrounded the square in a great show of consubstantial force'

Original Malapropisms


Here are some of the original malapropisms from Mrs. Malaprop who appears in Richard B Sheridan's play The Rivals (1775).
  1. "...promise to forget this fellow - to illiterate him, I say, quite from your memory." [obliterate]
  2. "O, he will dissolve my mystery!" [resolve]
  3. "He is the very pine-apple of politeness!" [pinnacle]
  4. "I have since laid Sir Anthony's preposition before her;" [proposition]
  5. "Oh! it gives me the hydrostatics to such a degree."[hysterics]
  6. "I hope you will represent her to the captain as an object not altogether illegible." [ineligible]
  7. "...she might reprehend the true meaning of what she is saying." [comprehend]
  8. "...she's as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of Nile." [alligator]
  9. "I am sorry to say, Sir Anthony, that my affluence over my niece is very small." [influence]
  10. "Why, murder's the matter! slaughter's the matter! killing's the matter! - but he can tell you the perpendiculars." [particulars]
  11. "Nay, no delusions to the past - Lydia is convinced;" [allusions]
  12. "...behold, this very day, I have interceded another letter from the fellow;" [intercepted]
  13. "I thought she had persisted from corresponding with him;" [desisted]
  14. "His physiognomy so grammatical!" [phraseology]
  15. "I am sure I have done everything in my power since I exploded the affair;" [exposed]
  16. "I am sorry to say, she seems resolved to decline every particle that I enjoin her." [article]
  17. "...if ever you betray what you are entrusted with... you forfeit my malevolence for ever..." [benevolence]
  18. "Your being Sir Anthony's son, captain, would itself be a sufficient accommodation;" [recommendation]
  19. "Sure, if I reprehend any thing in this world it is the use of my oracular tongue, and a nice derangement of epitaphs!" [apprehend, vernacular, arrangement, epithets]

More Spoonerisms


  1. go and shake a tower go and take a shower
  2. tease my ears ease my tears
  3. nicking your pose picking your nose
  4. you have very mad banners you have very bad manners
  5. lack of pies pack of lies
  6. it's roaring with pain it's pouring with rain
  7. pit nicking nit picking
  8. bowel feast foul beast
  9. I'm a damp stealer I'm a stamp dealer
  10. hypodeemic nurdle hypodermic needle
  11. wave the sails save the whales
  12. chipping the flannel on TV flipping the channel on TV
  13. mad bunny bad money
  14. I'm shout of the hour I'm out of the shower
  15. lead of spite speed of light
  16. I hit my bunny phone I hit my funny bone
  17. flutter by butterfly
  18. bedding wells wedding bells
  19. I must mend the sail I must send the mail
  20. it crawls through the fax it falls through the cracks
  21. bat flattery flat battery
  22. would you like a nasal hut? would you like a hazel nut?
  23. belly jeans jelly beans
  24. fight in your race right in your face
  25. ready as a stock steady as a rock
  26. hiss and leer listen here
  27. soul of ballad bowl of salad

Genuine Spoonerisms


The Rev William A Spooner was an academic who often got his words mixed up. These are said to be genuine Spoonerisms.
  1. fighting a liar lighting a fire
  2. you hissed my mystery lecture you missed my history lecture
  3. cattle ships and bruisers battle ships and cruisers
  4. nosey little cook cosy little nook
  5. a blushing crow a crushing blow
  6. tons of soil sons of toil
  7. our queer old Dean our dear old Queen
  8. we'll have the hags flung out we'll have the flags hung out
  9. you've tasted two worms you've wasted two terms
  10. our shoving leopard our loving shepherd
  11. a half-warmed fish a half-formed wish
  12. is the bean dizzy? is the Dean busy?

Some Pirate Jokes

Q: How do pirates know that they are pirates?
A: They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!

Q: What did the pirate say when he turned eighty?
A: Aye matey

Q: Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
A: Because they can spend years at C.

Q: What are the 10 letters of the pirate alphabet?
A: I, I, R, and the seven C’s!

Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.

Q: What’s the difference between a pirate and a fruit farmer?
A:  A pirate buries his treasure but a fruit farmer treasures his berries.

Doctor doctor 05

Doctor, doctor I'm addicted to Twitter
I'm sorry, I don't follow you

Some more random old jokes

I've invented a new word. It's called plagiarism.

There was a mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers. He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
The concerned father-to-be asked, "Doctor, what's going on?"
The doctor said, "Don't worry, those are just contractions."

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck

Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? It's two gross

What did the bald man say when he received a comb for Christmas?
Thank you. It means so much to me, I'll never ever part with it.

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison

I told my wife she was drawing on her eyebrows with too high an arch. She turned to me, looking rather surprised.

How would you describe a cockerel looking at a plate of lettuce, cucumber and tomato?
A chicken sees a salad?

Dyslexic Scarewicks (wisecracks)


Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa!

If life gives you melons then you're probably dyslexic!

Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He walked into a bra

Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic?
He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Association

Did you hear about the Dyslexia Association toga party? Most of the people there were dressed as goats.

All the teachers told the dyslexic child he'd never be good at poetry but he showed them when he took the prize for ceramics.

Dyslexics of the World UNTIE!

Every Christmas, dyslexic children send letters to Satan